Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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