Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
