I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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