I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
