my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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