turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
