Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
My bed smells like the plague
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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