Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
