remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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