In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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