so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
