btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
