Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
