Umm I'm too high to move.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
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