Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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