I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
