i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
