apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
