I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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