I hope mine doesn't look like that
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
