Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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