On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
