GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
