When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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