I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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