i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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