I'm going to jail i love you
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
