i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
