I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
