my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
