i just sent this text using only my big toe
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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