you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
