My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
