Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
