everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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