My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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