you would pick up someone in the library
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize