Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
