I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
