i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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