Apparently you make a good broom.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
