batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If I die, sorry about rent.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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