And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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