I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I am one with the molecules
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
