My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize