He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
