I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize