I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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