Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The feeling are messing with the penis
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
