he thought i was a dude.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
