So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
