Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
