Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
