Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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